Oh how i wish to know you
How i wish to find you daily
But at last, you elude me
You hide in places i can not find
In a place that feels out of my reach
You tease me with the promise of rest
But all i find is turmoil and distress
I long for your embrace to know i am safe
I feel your hands and know your arms will catch me
And in the end, i have learned i can only be with you if i surrender
I must give up the rights to myself
I must pick up my cross
And I must follow you
My answer is yes, Lord.
What does it mean to surrender to your will
What will i sacrifice for your will
Will i sacrifice my own will
Will i sacrifice my our desires
Will i sacrifice the need to be right
Will i sacrifice the need to be happy
Will i sacrifice the hope of love
Will i sacrifice the joy of her touch
Will i sacrifice my fatherhood
Will i sacrifice everything with the promise of nothing
The answer is yes
If i trust you what will happen
If i trust you will the pain stop
If i trust you will the fear go away
If i trust you will the emptiness leave me
If i trust you will i find happiness
If i trust you will joy enter my heart
If i trust you will my soul know peace
If i truly trust you would it matter
I will trust you
Will you see me again
Or will you say no
Will you talk to me again
Or will you say no
Will you walk with me again
Or will you say no
Will you run in the woods with me
Or will you say no
Will you cuddle with me
Or will you say no
Will you grow with me
Or will you say no
What is fear
Why do i fear it
Why do i fear what i do not know
Why do i fear what i do not control
If i have no power over it, why does it have power over me
It doesn’t make me young it makes me old
I doesn’t make me happy it makes me sad
It robs me of my energy and burdens me with pain
It is like a dark night or a grey cloud that never ends
Every night it follows me to bed
And every morning i start anew and give it to you
Not no, but not now. What does this mean? Does it mean to let go, but not move on, or does it mean let go, move on, and wait? This question haunts my days, nights, and dreams. I am not sure which i fear more. Not knowing if i am hearing right or hearing what i don’t want to hear.
What good am i
What good am i if i only ask and do not listen
What good am i if i listen and do not hear
What good am i if i hear and do not act
What good am i if i act and do not help
What good am i if i help and do not love
What good am i if i love others and do not love myself
What good am i
Heavenly Father i ask you to take this pain from my soul if it is not your will. Remove from my heart the desire to be with her if it is not your will. Replace this empty place in my heart with your peace and love. Renew me with your spirit so i may love again.
It is 3 am
I am wide awake
I feel you are awake also
Not sure why God has tethered us together like this but i know He has
I am not allowed to pray for you
I think of putting my hand on your chest and feeling your heart
Comfort and peace is what i wish to give you
But confusion and stress is what i seem to cause instead
I sit staring in the dark thinking about what i can do
Even though i can not pray for you i still thank God for you
Tethered in the spirit united in the flesh is how i feel
I close my eyes and touch my chest and ask God to heal the only one i can feel tonight
Sweet and pleasant dream my dear
I hate him
I hate him because he hurt you
I hate him because he is in control
I hate him because he stole what was not his
I hate him because he will not let you go
I hare him because he won’t let you heal
I hate him because when i look in the mirror i see i am just like him
